Okay, buckle up all three of you who read this, cause' this week's Will Draw comes with an asterisk, by which I mean rant. They say you should talk about your passions...well some people say that.....well one person does...fuck you, it was me. And I'm gonna talk about it anyway.
There is something unforgivably wrong with Disney's selection process when Kida is not included in their precious Princess List. She's awesome, she's sexy, she's strong-willed, she's no nonsense and still so playful. Also she's a badass! Name another Disney princess who took out three heavily armed henchmen with her bare hands while practically naked. Where was she even keeping that knife? Who cares!? It was awesome! She even knees that guy in the face while they carry her away! You know that stupid-haired scottish chick wets herself every time she watches that scene.
The main argument against her initiation seems to be Atlantis' failure at the box office. This seems to me like a pathetic mainstream argument. After all if Age of Extinction is considered a box office success should we really be translating those numbers as a movie's worth? "Well the movie didn't receive great reviews." I weep for a society that views the ramblings of 80 jobless people on Rotten Tomatoes as gospel. You know that's the minimum number of reviews they need for a theatrical release? That's the kind of control group I'd expect for a scientific study performed by the History Channel: "Well these four video game testers seem to think the Titanic was sunk by Gamera, so here's a five-part miniseries on how to protect your home from giant turtle attacks!"
And speaking of a princess who hasn't been given the spotlight she deserves, let's talk about one who's been hogging it: that Frozen chick. "Oh no! He's not going to attack her is he?" Well actually no I'm not; because when you get down to it she's not the one who annoys me. Granted she's boring and that sister of hers needed a good slap across her pouty face, but that's not the issue. It's her fans that put her up on that diva pedestal.
Frozen is often referred to as the first animated Disney movie where the princess doesn't need a prince. Well if by 'first' you mean 'eleventh' than yes, that statement is vaguely true. In doing research for this rant (Yes, this is what I did on my weekend. What, you think I was going to take it easy? Some of us don't have the time to goof off!) I confirmed that Frozen is the eleventh Disney movie to showcase a princess whose sole purpose was not to marry a prince. Eleventh. Do the counting.
Now before you Disney dorks jump up and counter my numbers let me stipulate that I'm only including the well-known animated princess movies that went to theater - with the exception of The Black Cauldron, it wasn't that popular; but fuck you, it should've been. I'm also not including Mulan. She wasn't a princess; get over it. But I am including Nala. What, you didn't think felines could be princesses? That's rather speciesist. And while we're here: why isn't she on the list either?!
Also I feel obligated to point out that in looking up this list I found only four princess movies where the princess's role was defined by her need for a prince. So to all you whiny, pseudo-freethinking, skinny-hating attention whores hiding under the guise of feminism I say to you frankly: Shut the fuck up.
So let's recap: Kida deserves to be on this list. Sure, she's technically a queen now, but half the women already on this list hold their royal title under a technicality anyway. So come on Mickey, let her in! She'll play nice with the other girls. What if she promises to tie one hand behind her back if a rumble ever breaks out? I know, I know, she'll still kick all their skinny butts, but the thought still shines through.
And fuck you Elsa, if that's even your name. Someone else was rockin' that white hair LONG before you came around.